I Think I Fumbled My Future Husband

I think I’m ready to date again.

I wish I could say that enthusiastically—truly. But the dating scene right now is terrible. The dating pool not only has piss in it, but also piranhas.

I haven’t been on a date since July 2024, and I haven’t dated anyone since November 2023. My love life has been ridiculously dry. Ain’t no one on this phone but SHEIN updates.

But I wasn’t mad at it. Since November—when Devil completely demolished my heart (iykyk)—I took my time of solitude to really reassess my dating life.

One of my favorite artists, Olivia Rodrigo, once talked about her writing process for the song Favorite Crime—which, by the way, I totally trauma-bonded with.

She explained that it’s easy to place the blame on the other person for breaking your heart, but it’s hard to recognize and admit that you played a hand in breaking your own.

And after that breakup in November, I did just that.

The Problem with Dating Now

I became desensitized to the idea of dating. My interest in men took a massive decline. No one piqued my interest. I became restless when it came to my love life.

I tried to put myself out there and talk to a few different men, but I felt… nothing.

Eventually, I started dating this guy—let’s call him Smiles. He graduated college, was tall, nice, opened my car doors, always greeted me with flowers—a complete gentleman…

But he did nothing for me.

The Aidan vs. Mr. Big Effect

I felt like Carrie when she was dating Aidan.

I was so used to dating the Mr. Big archetype that when my Aidan finally came around, I couldn’t even appreciate him.

I felt like a dumb bitch. I felt like I was betraying the universe—like this was their gift to me, and I completely disregarded it.

Triggers I Didn’t Expect

I remember having Smiles over at my apartment after one of our dates. We were watching TV, talking, and at one point, he wrapped his arm around me.

And I tensed up—so quickly. I didn’t even know why at first.

The last time I let a man touch me so innocently, so gently, was with Devil. It was the first time I was allowing a man to physically get close to me again.

And all he was doing was putting his arm around me.

I tried to ignore it.

I told myself it had just been a minute. I’d been touch-deprived for months—I just needed to ease into it.

By this time, it was April. Five months since I broke things off with Devil. I thought I was ready.

Boy, was I wrong.

It wasn’t until Smiles pulled me closer and kissed me. I kissed him back… and three seconds later, I started crying.

I literally had to suck the tears that were threatening to fall back into my eyelids.

I didn’t even know why I was crying.

Luckily, he didn’t notice—because honestly, I would not have known how to explain that.

And if that wasn’t bad enough…

He offered to give me head.

And I declined.

WHO DECLINES FREE HEAD????

And no shade, but it looked like he could eat.

He eventually ended up leaving, and we made plans for our next date. The minute I closed the door after walking him out, I cried.

At the time, I genuinely thought I was ready to date again. But after that encounter, I realized just how wrong I was.

I knew I had to cut things off with Smiles—but I didn’t know how.

The Self-Sabotage Begins

I was doing that thing that men do when they tell you, “I’m not looking for anything serious, but I would like to keep seeing you.” #WomenInMaleFields

So, going against my better judgment, I decided to keep dating Smiles.

We texted almost every day. I still went on dates with him—though he wanted to see me way more than I wanted to see him.

I was determined to make this work.

It had to work.

I wasn’t sure when a guy like him would come around again. He was like a rare jewel.

But since we’re family here, I’ll be honest.

Yes, he was a sweet gentleman…

But was he my type?

He was funny, I guess. But physically?

He wasn’t my type.

Yes, he was tall. Yes, he had some tattoos. But he wasn’t bad. 

You know what I mean—he wasn’t fine shyt

Still, a part of me felt obligated to give it a shot because I thought I deserved to be with a guy like that.

A guy who planned dates.

A guy who always opened the car door and greeted me with flowers.

I’ve yearned for that kind of love.

But… nothing in me ached for him.

He didn’t make me laugh.

I wasn’t fully attracted to him.

When he kissed me, I felt absolutely nothing.

He just wasn’t it.

And it pissed me off.

You’d think that after dating the literal Devil, I would leap into the arms of my knight in shining armor.

But Thankfully… I’m Not Totally Carrie

I actually talked to Smiles. I told him how I felt.

I explained that I had just gotten out of a relationship where the wounds were still fresh—still open. That he was the first person I’d even considered seeing since that, and I still needed more time.

Do I think he heard every word that came out of my mouth? Yes.

Do I think it mattered to him? No.

Because right after that, he pulled me into a hug and kissed me again—this time more passionately. Like a loving kiss could somehow erase the fact that the last guy I dated lied to me for six months and was also seeing a girl who did coke and ketamine.

Did I kiss him back to try and match the tension and passion? Yes.

Did I hate every second of it? Absofuckinglutely.

The Breakup Text

Eventually, I moved back home. Physically, I was away from him.

But we still texted every day.

And when he started asking for my address, asking what days he should travel to come see me—I knew it was time.

The guilt kept rising because I knew I was leading him on.

So I did what every woman hates when a man does it to avoid commitment:

“Hey Smiles, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. I need to focus on myself and figure out what I want.”

Again, Women In Male Fields.

If you’re reading this and want to choke slam me through the screen, I completely understand.

And if you’re reading this and want to extend grace, hit my line—because I’ve got a few more stories I need to share.

As I’m typing this, almost a year since my “relationship” with Smiles, I wish I could say I regret it. Or that I want to reach out.

But I don’t.

Maybe nice guys do finish last.

Maybe it was the right person at the wrong time.

Or maybe… we just weren’t compatible.

Trying to make something work just because it feels like it should doesn’t mean it will.

The minute I had to force it was the minute I should’ve pulled back.

But come on, y’all would’ve done it too—for a check.

Since Smiles… nothing.

I haven’t dated anyone since him.  (Went on one date after him but I refuse to talk about that story until my lawyers are present.)

It’s been a year and some change now.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be “100%” ready to date again—but I’m pretty damn close.

I didn’t even realize I was craving romantic love until I had a dream that I had a boyfriend.

A man I’ve never even met.

Like it’s gotten so bad in the real world, the universe had to bless me in my subconscious. Literally throwing me a bone.

So if you’re single right now, let this be our season.

Date. Explore your options.

What’s the worst that could happen?

We get demoralized by a man’s actions?

Literally nothing new.

I’m excited to take y’all on this ‘dating’ journey.

And let’s pray I don’t run into any more Devils because y’all will have to start a go fund me for my bail. 

Till next time, my lovely Ballads💕