situationship – Ballads Of The 20-Somethings

And the dating pool? Full of piss and piranhas

I think I’m ready to date again.

I wish I could say that enthusiastically—truly. But the dating scene right now is terrible. The dating pool not only has piss in it, but also piranhas.

I haven’t been on a date since July 2024, and I haven’t dated anyone since November 2023. My love life has been ridiculously dry. Ain’t no one on this phone but SHEIN updates.

But I wasn’t mad at it. Since November—when Devil completely demolished my heart (iykyk)—I took my time of solitude to really reassess my dating life.

One of my favorite artists, Olivia Rodrigo, once talked about her writing process for the song Favorite Crime—which, by the way, I totally trauma-bonded with.

She explained that it’s easy to place the blame on the other person for breaking your heart, but it’s hard to recognize and admit that you played a hand in breaking your own.

And after that breakup in November, I did just that.

The Problem with Dating Now

I became desensitized to the idea of dating. My interest in men took a massive decline. No one piqued my interest. I became restless when it came to my love life.

I tried to put myself out there and talk to a few different men, but I felt… nothing.

Eventually, I started dating this guy—let’s call him Smiles. He graduated college, was tall, nice, opened my car doors, always greeted me with flowers—a complete gentleman…

But he did nothing for me.

The Aidan vs. Mr. Big Effect

I felt like Carrie when she was dating Aidan.

I was so used to dating the Mr. Big archetype that when my Aidan finally came around, I couldn’t even appreciate him.

I felt like a dumb bitch. I felt like I was betraying the universe—like this was their gift to me, and I completely disregarded it.

Triggers I Didn’t Expect

I remember having Smiles over at my apartment after one of our dates. We were watching TV, talking, and at one point, he wrapped his arm around me.

And I tensed up—so quickly. I didn’t even know why at first.

The last time I let a man touch me so innocently, so gently, was with Devil. It was the first time I was allowing a man to physically get close to me again.

And all he was doing was putting his arm around me.

I tried to ignore it.

I told myself it had just been a minute. I’d been touch-deprived for months—I just needed to ease into it.

By this time, it was April. Five months since I broke things off with Devil. I thought I was ready.

Boy, was I wrong.

It wasn’t until Smiles pulled me closer and kissed me. I kissed him back… and three seconds later, I started crying.

I literally had to suck the tears that were threatening to fall back into my eyelids.

I didn’t even know why I was crying.

Luckily, he didn’t notice—because honestly, I would not have known how to explain that.

And if that wasn’t bad enough…

He offered to give me head.

And I declined.

WHO DECLINES FREE HEAD????

And no shade, but it looked like he could eat.

He eventually ended up leaving, and we made plans for our next date. The minute I closed the door after walking him out, I cried.

At the time, I genuinely thought I was ready to date again. But after that encounter, I realized just how wrong I was.

I knew I had to cut things off with Smiles—but I didn’t know how.

The Self-Sabotage Begins

I was doing that thing that men do when they tell you, “I’m not looking for anything serious, but I would like to keep seeing you.” #WomenInMaleFields

So, going against my better judgment, I decided to keep dating Smiles.

We texted almost every day. I still went on dates with him—though he wanted to see me way more than I wanted to see him.

I was determined to make this work.

It had to work.

I wasn’t sure when a guy like him would come around again. He was like a rare jewel.

But since we’re family here, I’ll be honest.

Yes, he was a sweet gentleman…

But was he my type?

He was funny, I guess. But physically?

He wasn’t my type.

Yes, he was tall. Yes, he had some tattoos. But he wasn’t bad.

You know what I mean—he wasn’t fine shyt

Still, a part of me felt obligated to give it a shot because I thought I deserved to be with a guy like that.

A guy who planned dates.

A guy who always opened the car door and greeted me with flowers.

I’ve yearned for that kind of love.

But… nothing in me ached for him.

He didn’t make me laugh.

I wasn’t fully attracted to him.

When he kissed me, I felt absolutely nothing.

He just wasn’t it.

And it pissed me off.

You’d think that after dating the literal Devil, I would leap into the arms of my knight in shining armor.

But Thankfully… I’m Not Totally Carrie

I actually talked to Smiles. I told him how I felt.

I explained that I had just gotten out of a relationship where the wounds were still fresh—still open. That he was the first person I’d even considered seeing since that, and I still needed more time.

Do I think he heard every word that came out of my mouth? Yes.

Do I think it mattered to him? No.

Because right after that, he pulled me into a hug and kissed me again—this time more passionately. Like a loving kiss could somehow erase the fact that the last guy I dated lied to me for six months and was also seeing a girl who did coke and ketamine.

Did I kiss him back to try and match the tension and passion? Yes.

Did I hate every second of it? Absofuckinglutely.

The Breakup Text

Eventually, I moved back home. Physically, I was away from him.

But we still texted every day.

And when he started asking for my address, asking what days he should travel to come see me—I knew it was time.

The guilt kept rising because I knew I was leading him on.

So I did what every woman hates when a man does it to avoid commitment:

“Hey Smiles, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. I need to focus on myself and figure out what I want.”

Again, Women In Male Fields.

If you’re reading this and want to choke slam me through the screen, I completely understand.

And if you’re reading this and want to extend grace, hit my line—because I’ve got a few more stories I need to share.

As I’m typing this, almost a year since my “relationship” with Smiles, I wish I could say I regret it. Or that I want to reach out.

But I don’t.

Maybe nice guys do finish last.

Maybe it was the right person at the wrong time.

Or maybe… we just weren’t compatible.

Trying to make something work just because it feels like it should doesn’t mean it will.

The minute I had to force it was the minute I should’ve pulled back.

But come on, y’all would’ve done it too—for a check.

Since Smiles… nothing.

I haven’t dated anyone since him. (Went on one date after him but I refuse to talk about that story until my lawyers are present.)

It’s been a year and some change now.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be “100%” ready to date again—but I’m pretty damn close.

I didn’t even realize I was craving romantic love until I had a dream that I had a boyfriend.

A man I’ve never even met.

Like it’s gotten so bad in the real world, the universe had to bless me in my subconscious. Literally throwing me a bone.

So if you’re single right now, let this be our season.

Date. Explore your options.

What’s the worst that could happen?

We get demoralized by a man’s actions?

Literally nothing new.

I’m excited to take y’all on this ‘dating’ journey.

And let’s pray I don’t run into any more Devils because y’all will have to start a go fund me for my bail.

Till next time, my lovely Ballads💕

He Wasn’t Ready For A Relationship-Just Ready to Waste My Time

I was talking to this guy for THREE MONTHS — consistently. Y’all, when I say we were locked INN, the key was thrown away. It was giving Bonnie and Clyde.

We met right before the semester ended, and just my luck — I had to go home for the summer. We saw each other twice and promised we’d keep in touch until I came back that fall. I was devastated, cursing the universe, because of course they introduced me to a guy right when I had to leave.

He was cute, tall, funny, had great music taste, and was a complete gentleman — all the ingredients to make a girl fall to her knees (literally and figuratively).

We said we’d “keep in touch” when I went home, but honestly, I didn’t think he was serious.

Until we did.

Texting every other day turned into texting every day, which turned into texting every minute. Add in the spontaneous late-night phone calls, and yeah… it was giving boyfriend.

Y’all, this was quite literally my man.

I remember he went out of town with his homeboys, and he was still texting and calling me — even collecting seashells to bring back when we reconnected. I was down bad for this man.

Fast forward to the fall — I’m back. I was excited, nervous, feeling like I was in high school again.

The first day I got back, we saw each other, and everything fell right back into place. We bounced off each other so naturally; our energies just synced — if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.

But… something felt a little off.

Not about him necessarily, but about the relationship. I didn’t feel any urgency from him to make me his girlfriend. At this point, we’d been talking for three months. Technically, we weren’t long-distance anymore, but still — no move to make things official.

I ignored my woman’s intuition (highly don’t recommend) and went against my better judgment. For about two weeks, I tried to act like I didn’t already know:

This nigga not gone make me his girlfriend.

But I am my mother’s child, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I remember it clearly.

We had just come from his basketball game and went back to his house to… tussle. And afterwards, I asked the question:

“What are we?”

Heart beating out of my chest but holding my ground, I waited, anticipating his next word.

“Uhhh, well… you know, we friends.”

Loading the gun.

I was sitting cross-legged on his bed, pondering the right response to his answer.

“Just friends?” I asked.

“I mean, not just friends, but you’re cool and we really get along. But I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Pull the trigger.

The inevitable had finally arrived.

To say the least, the ride back to my apartment — so he could drop me off — was silent.

I wish I could say I immediately cut him off after that, but y’all, I’m just a girl and nothing but a girl.

I tried to have a casual relationship with him, but my heart couldn’t withstand it. I lasted about a month before finally telling him I couldn’t keep doing it. Of course, he understood, apologized, and we parted ways… until I had an itch only he could scratch.

But still, I can never forget the complete switch-up.

And the sad thing? It’s so common among women.

Talking to a guy, seeing him consistently, maybe even having sex with him — and then a few months in, he hits you with the story about how he got heartbroken at 16 and just can’t commit again.

It makes me want to go outside, pick a tree up, and throw it.

Obviously, we’re left with a broken heart — but the time wasted?? Inexcusable.

And the healing process is excruciating, because you’re not just mourning the relationship.

You’re mourning the potential of the relationship.

All that could’ve been.

The future you thought you were building

I remember I was 18, seeing a co-worker/friend who had already told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I told him we should just stay friends, because deep down I knew — I was setting myself up for failure.

Two goddamn weeks later, he ups and gets himself a girlfriend.

Guys, stay with me when I say this…

Prison.

I was salty, to say the fucking least.

Maybe some men get a kick out of being cruel — I don’t know. Maybe they think being honest would get them stoned or nailed to a cross.

But hey, what do I know, right?

Although I’m not currently dating now, when I was, it definitely got easier to spot the ones who just wanted to waste my time… and the ones who were…

No yeah, still there to waste my time.

Someone could argue that I’m just looking in the wrong places.

And I could argue that we revisit that prison conversation.

But seriously, if you’re a lover girl like me, when you like someone — you like someone.

It consumes you.

When I like someone, it feels like I’m going through a psychosis.

It’s why I can never fully hate Carrie for how she handled her relationship with Mr. Big.

When you fall for someone, you don’t just fall.

You tumble.

You crash.

You plummet.

And it sucks even more when you’re at that stage with someone, and you’re not even official yet.

You get that false sense of hope, that false union with this person.

So when they finally utter those God-forsaken words, it feels like they grabbed a gun and shot you in the heart. (Graphic, I know.)

What’s even more devastating?

After they break your heart — or shoot you, at this point it’s the same thing — they try to “tend” to your needs… with the gun still in their hands.

And because we’re hurt, and wounded, we accept the aftercare.

We might even agree to some negotiations, because we’re not ready to let go of the relationship — or the person — completely.

Especially when they still want access to you.

It’s ludicrous.

And if you were a masochist like me, you obliged — because you didn’t know any better.

I like dating and having different experiences, because unfortunately, that piece of shit of a man we met in our early 20s?

Yeah, he might pop up again in our late 20s.

And again in our early 30s.

We’re gonna date until we find the one.

And the absolute sad truth is: we have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet our prince.

Corny as hell — but true.

The type of man who leads you on, spins you around, and then says, “I’m just not ready for a relationship,” will lead you straight to hell if you let them.

You have to regain control as soon as possible.

Delulu Land is only fun when your feelings aren’t involved.

So, if you are currently talking to a man, and you like him ardently, and he’s explained to you that he isn’t quite ready for a relationship — but still wants the same access to you?

RUN.

I don’t care if he’s sweet.

I don’t care if he’s fine.

I don’t care if he’s the funniest man alive.

Set your boundaries.

Be firm with it.

And if he has a problem with it — that’s all you need to know.

IF you have been in this experience and escaped by the chinny-chin-chin of your hairs, comment and share with the class your experience:

What were the red flags?

How deep did you get into the relationship before he dropped the bomb?

And how’d you escape?

Be safe, ladies — there’s always a man waiting…

to waste your time.

Love, Aliah

Follow the new instagram account for the blog @ balladsofthe20’s

and the new tiktok account @ balladsofthe20somethings

to always be the first one to know about what the new blog post is going to about every sunday!